Tag Archives: relationship. love

Wanting Someone Else to Fulfill Our Lives

BY LEO BABAUTA

I have a friend who is lonely, who has such a good heart and desperately wants to find a partner who appreciates that goodness, to share a life with.

We have all felt this, I’m guessing: this desire for a deep connection, this hope that another person will just get us and want an intimate relationship with us, the idea that if we could just find this person and merge with them, we’d be fulfilled.

What if we tossed that idea out on its head?

What if everything we need for happiness and fulfillment is within us?

What if all the requirements for fulfillment were in this very moment, not in some imagined ideal future?

What if the idea of a romantic partner who is perfect (because of their imperfections!) and who fills our every need is just a fantasy that isn’t helping us?

The truth is that even those of us who have partners know that it’s not all honeymoon, and in fact a long-term relationship contains a lot of struggle. The fulfillment that we get in life ends up (mostly) not coming from the other person, but from ourselves.

What would it be like if we let go of this fantasy of a fulfilling partner, this fantasy of a better future … and instead focused on finding fulfillment in the here and now, within ourselves?

Where We Get Fulfillment

Another person isn’t going to fulfill us — at best, they’ll make us feel better about ourselves, and listen to us. The listening part is great, but we can get that from friends or family as well. The feeling better about ourselves is a function we can fulfill on our own as well. I’m not saying a partner is useless, but I am saying that a partner isn’t needed for fulfillment.

So how can we fulfill ourselves, by ourselves?

Well, what brings fulfillment? In my experience, focusing on pleasures like food, entertainment, online distractions, sex, drugs, alcohol, and thrills … these only bring temporary pleasure, but in the end you’re left wanting more.

Fulfillment comes from something deeper — finding meaning in life, finding appreciation for the fleeting beauty of every moment, being in service of others, loving.

But we don’t need a partner for those things. We can find meaning by searching within ourselves and in the world around us. We can start to appreciate the impermanence and joyful moments around us all the time. We can be in service of others in our community. We can love anyone, from those already in our lives (even if they don’t know we’re doing it) to strangers on the street, to all living beings.

Fulfillment From Within

What if we could do all these things just sitting here, doing nothing?

What if this very moment contained all we need for fulfillment?

Try looking within:

  • Stop and be still. Sit and do nothing, finding stillness and just noticing the moment.
  • Notice your body, your breath, emotions that happen in your body (like a tightness in your chest, or a warmth in your heart area), your thoughts.
  • See that there is constant change within you, and a loving goodness as well.
  • Fall in love with all that you see, from the emotions and thoughts to the body and breath, from the impermanence to the underlying goodness.
  • Reflect on a desire to be in service of yourself, and others.
  • Cultivate a love for yourself and all others by radiating a wish for everyone, including yourself, to be free of suffering, to be happy, to find joy.
  • Reflect on your innate connection to others — reflect on how others support your life, how the food that nourishes you is brought to you by thousands of others, how you’ve been created into the person you are because of the influences of every person you’ve met and connected with. This web of connections is how you are always a part of everything and everyone around you, a deep connection that is ever-changing and everlasting.
  • Reflect on your surroundings and in the constant change and beauty that is in every single thing, in the ocean of matter and energy that you are a part of.

These and more are always available, right now and in every moment, in you and all around you.

This practice can bring fulfillment, and nothing is required but attention, appreciation, gratitude and love. You have that in you.

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4 Signs You’re with the Right Person

BY: REALSIMPLE.COM/GRACE ELKUS

Does your relationship pass this test?

Whether you’re entering a new relationship or hitting a significant milestone, it’s natural to question whether you’ve chosen the right partner. We talked to Elizabeth Schoenfeld, Ph.D., director of research and evaluation at LifeWorks and frequent contributor to ScienceofRelationships.com, and Marina Williams, a therapist in Boston and the author of Couples Counseling: A Step by Step Guide for Therapists, about the telltale signs you should look for.

1. THEY’RE ATTENTIVE

Small, daily gestures of romance are an important part of a supportive relationship, especially when they align with your personal needs. If you’re feeling under the weather, for example, you’ll appreciate your partner more if he or she makes you soup rather than brings home concert tickets, Schoenfeld says. “Having a partner who notices what you need or want in a given moment and responds accordingly bodes well for the long-term potential of your relationship.”

2. THEY’RE AFFECTIONATE

Whether its hugging, kissing, or cuddling before bed, regularly engaging in some form of physical affection is key to feeling connected to your partner, according to Schoenfeld. “Generally speaking, couples who are more physically affectionate with one another tend to be more satisfied with their partners and their relationships—which makes sense, as individuals tend to feel more cared for and understood when their partners show physical affection,” she says. And being affectionate is good for our personal and mental health, too.

3. THEY RESPOND WELL TO CONFLICT

How you communicate in the heat of an argument can be a telltale sign of the status of your relationship. In fact, the amount of conflict you engage in with your partner doesn’t matter nearly as much as how the argument is handled, Schoenfeld says. In healthy relationships, each partner responds to conflict in a caring and supportive manner. “If they listen to what you’re saying, respect where you’re coming from, and respond to your disclosures by sharing their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences (without making the conversation all about them), then intimacy is more likely to flourish.”

If you are communicating poorly, however, don’t give up hope. “As a couples counselor, I always love it when the problem is communication because it’s something that’s very easily fixed, granted that the couple is willing to change,” Williams says.

4. THEY SHARE YOUR VALUES AND GOALS

While it’s okay (and perfectly normal) to have different interests from your partner, it’s important to be on the same page when it comes to long-term goals. “Differences can be great for balancing out a couple and making things more interesting socially,” Williams says. “Where I think it’s important to be similar is in your values and goals for the future.” And Schoenfeld agrees: “Prioritize similarities that have long-term implications, such as a shared desire (or lack of desire) for marriage or children.”

3 Red Flags That You Are Losing Yourself in a Relationship A relationship should make an individual thrive not constrict. One should grow not wither. Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/3-Red-Flags-That-You-Are-Losing-Yourself-in-a-Relationship.

No one should lose themselves in a relationship. On the contrary, one should become more of the person that they are and not less.

A relationship should make an individual thrive not constrict. One should grow not wither.

It’s imperative that an individual self-protect to ensure the relationship is a healthy one. A relationship that causes one to lose their sense of self is contrary to the word itself. It is by definition, “a connection between people,” not the abandonment of one for another.

The 3 Red Flags That You Are Losing Yourself in a Relationship:

Powerlessness: When a relationship becomes unbalanced with one person caring or trying more than the other, there is a shift. No one person should hold the power in the relationship, but no one should be powerless either. This is further heightened when a relationship is deteriorating and only one of the individuals is attempting to fix the problems. The unhealthier the relationship becomes and the more the focus switches to getting the other person to care enough to not lose it – one is, in the beginning, stages of losing themselves. The individual who is the only one trying to save the relationship loses sight of themselves while focusing all the energy on the significant other in an attempt to save the relationship. In fact, it takes two to care enough to save a relationship. The one who becomes powerless through their loss of self-gets used up.

 

Roles: The more a relationship develops into roles the greater the chance of losing one’s self. When a spouse takes on a role in a relationship they can become less of the individual. Partners can transition from respect to expected. It becomes two people with duties and roles rather than individuals sharing responsibilities. It also creates an imbalance in the partnership because roles generally involve one spouse tending to the other and the other providing the income. It creates a hierarchy in a relationship rather than an equilibrium. It fosters, spousal role related jokes, taking advantage of a spouse, and the income earning spouse potentially becoming more powerful. The spouse that takes on the tending role will lose them easily.

One Sided: Compromise is good. However, over compromising is not. It leads to giving too much of one’s self away. It leads to a one-sided relationship. If one is abandoning the majority of their needs, wants, interests, and pleasures to live how the significant other wants them to live then they are losing themselves. The more one sacrifices what is a part of themselves or important to them, the more they fail to live as themselves and the more they begin to live in the world of their spouse. A relationship should accentuate someone’s world, not ask them to live in another’s at the complete abandonment of who they are.

No one should have the power in a relationship, but no one should be powerless either. A person should strive for a healthy relationship that makes them blossom and grows, not wilt and wither and grow in someone else’s shadow.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/3-Red-Flags-That-You-Are-Losing-Yourself-in-a-Relationship.aspx?p=2#RLxH3ht4sEOg8av6.99

What Makes a True Gentleman

By Alex Green

I’ve always enjoyed Oscar Wilde’s comedy An Ideal Husband. But New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd is out to help women find the genuine item.

In a column, she shared the wisdom of Father Pat Connor, a Catholic priest with several decades of experience as a marriage counselor.

Too many women marry badly, he says, because infatuation trumps judgment. (I’m sure plenty of men have their own complaints, but today is Ladies’ Day.)

Father Conner advises women not to marry a man who has no friends, who is controlling or irresponsible with money, who is overly attached to his mother, or who has no sense of humor. He lists so many qualities to avoid, in fact, that one woman responded despairingly that he’d “eliminated everyone.”

Not yet…

The column generated a hailstorm of letters to the editor, including one from a Ms. Susan Striker of Easton, Connecticut. The twice-divorced woman insisted that Father Conner had only scratched the surface. She warned women:

Never marry a man who yells at you in front of his friends.

Never marry a man who is more affectionate in public than in private.

Never marry a man who notices all of your faults but never notices his own.

Never marry a man whose first wife had to sue him for child support.

Never marry a man who corrects you in public.

Never marry a man who sends birthday cards to his ex-girlfriends.

Never marry a man who doesn’t treat his dog nicely.

Never marry a man who is rude to waiters.

Never marry a man who doesn’t love music.

Never marry a man whose plants are all dead.

Never marry a man your mother doesn’t like.

Never marry a man your children don’t like.

Never marry a man who hates his job.

And so on…

Reading this laundry list, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

Clearly, this was the voice of experience. And it made me think what, if anything, I could tell my own daughter to keep her from making a big mistake someday.

Of course, Hannah is only 17 now. But I already identify with comedian Bill Engvall. On one episode of his sitcom, he told his teenage daughter – to her utter mortification – that her date honking the horn out front needed to come inside and meet her parents first.

He does. But before the boy leaves, Engvall pulls him into another room and says, “That’s my only daughter right there and she is precious to me. So if you’ve got any ideas about making out or hooking up or whatever you call it these days, I just want you to know… I don’t mind going back to prison.”

I know more than a few fathers who can identify with that sentiment.

But the problem with the “never marry a man…” list is that it approaches the notion of an ideal man from a purely negative context.

Rather than telling my daughter what to beware of, I’ve only recommended that she marry “a gentleman.” But then what, exactly, is a gentleman in this day and age?

British born American writer Oliver Herford once remarked that a gentleman is someone “who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.” (This is always said with an emphasis on the word unintentionally so the listener understands that it’s okay if the recipient is deserving.)

But here’s a bit more specificity from John Walter Wayland, who defined the term in 1899:

The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.

Pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?

Perhaps the best thing for single men and women to do would be to cultivate these qualities of character in themselves. This would make them worthy of the affections of their ideal mate, should they have the good fortune to encounter him or her.

One final thought. You may remember Dr. Randy Pausch – the author of The Last Lecture – who succumbed to pancreatic cancer at 47 seven years ago this month.

He, too, struggled with this question and left behind this time capsule of advice for his daughter Chloe, then 2:

“When men are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”

Pretty good advice. And not a bad way of sizing up people generally.

Honor

Theresa made a decision to follow the commandments and honor her marriage to Mat. She attended classes on Wednesday night and Sunday morning to strengthen her spiritual aspect of her life. She felt good about being aligned with her spirit, her friends advised her to make weekends trip with Mat to help her marriage. They told her to buy uniform and other( outfits nurse or maid outfits) to spice up things in the bedroom. They went to upstate NY (Buffalo) and stayed in a twelve bedrooms mansion. Their friend took them out around town and experienced the life of a multi-millionaire, they felt special to have a life that full of favors.

Lies

He was full of energy or piss off, he was influenced by power, money and title since he was in grammar school his teacher told him that he would never amount to anything. He needed it to prove them wrong same as when he bought a boat because his attorney told him that he was unable to get one unless he was an attorney.

Theresa was wrong for calling Lupe and told her a secret about Mat, she thought that would off stop Lupe from going after her husband. However, Lupe had a taste of Mat already she was too deep in love with him to stop and she wanted to experienced Theresa’s life.

Lupe’s husband was the one that told Theresa that his wife was spending a lot of late night with mat and he suspect that they were having an affair. Theresa knew how Mat was able to get so mad and difficult that she should have be wise and not call Lupe. Mat background was different that Theresa, he was involved in gang and so on. She did not know that because by the time he came to worked at the hospital, he had clean up his ways and his look. When you go to a court room and you see the way a person that was arrested for a crime dress, you would never think that person was capable of the crime because his attorney would advise him or her to dress professionally. Theresa light the flame that Mat would usually had under control.

The fact that she went to the karate school and told him how bad he was right in front of their younger son, she had pull the trigger of his grenade. He exploded and tried to destroy her without any thought about the children they shared together.
When he came to his senses, who knew what he will think but it did not matter because the harm was already done.
Theresa got influence by Lupe’s husband and she was wrong. She didn’t think or remembered that Mat was going to get very angry with her and he was going to hurt her. She knew that the best thing was to take times out and go away for a while. She would go for a long drive and her friend was in the Hampton, she would go there and spent times with her.
She did not act wise with this situation, she had a chance to divorced him after he admitted that he slept with Thalia without using a condom. Her friend thought that there was no way she was going to forgive him but she did again.
He told her that he did not sleep with the parent from the Karate school and she believed him for twelve years. When he told her the truth he said that the lied was eating him and he was happy to finally admitted the truth.
Theresa wondered how long it was going to take Mat to admitted the truth about the lied that he told, that Theresa had physically and emotionally abused him for twelve years and she treating to cut his balls off and killed him. She loved the man in the pink shirt.

Man

MAN

There’s a saying do not wake Adam from his sleep, what it means is if a man is not making the right move in a direction of a relationship or commitment do not push him or help him make up his mind.

In Theresa’s case Mat wasn’t ready for a relationship or marriage especially since he couldn’t come up with all the money for a down payment for the house that he wanted to buy. However Theresa went and took all her saving and lend it to him then she realized that he wasn’t to pay her back. She was already in a relationship with him and he acted like a good man at that time. She saw the potential so she decided to go for him, she was thirty years old and in her culture that’s consider an old maid if you’re not married.

Theresa’s mom told her that she was the oldest of nine children and the baby after her died stillborn. The next children are twins and they are very close and they support each other. After the twins is Theresa’s brother whom is the spitting image and personalities of Theresa’s dad. The next baby after her brother died also but Theresa’s mom didn’t know that the baby next to her was dead until her sister came to visit her at the hospital noticed that the baby was dead. Theresa’s mom told her that the baby was so beautiful and had long legs and arms. Her mother left the hospital without paying a dime because the hospital staffs were negligent so a friend of Theresa’s mom told her to just leave the hospital without any discharge paper so she didn’t have to pay the hospital. Soon Theresa’s mom got pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl by herself because in the last trimester Theresa’s dad died suddenly from pneumonia. Her other two brother’s are from a different father and we are brothers and sisters.

Love

Love
I love how he looks at me, I could see that he admire and loves me.
I love how he can see that I really like him and made the move to give me his phone number.
I love how he can see that I find him very attractive.
I love how I can be myself around him.
I love being around him and I can t get enough of him.
I love his lips and the way he kissed me, I love his face, his height, his skin why not I ll say it everything about him.
I love the walk we took by the water and discuss our lives.

I love the way he hold my hand.
I love the time alone that we shared that brought us closer.
I love how we share our dreams and the plan to implement them.
I love how he shares his concerns and issues with me.
I love how we stared in each other’s eyes and know that we want each other.
I love how he kissed me with such passion.
I love how he touch my face with such passion.
I love how he hugs me with his protective arms.
I love how he gives me advice about many things.
I love how he goes out of his way to find something that I need.
I love how he gives me compliments in front of others.
I love how times heal him and he realized that what he did was wrong.
I love how he hold my face and said ” you know that I love you right”
I love the way his hands touch my back and my waist.
I love how he is so protective of me.

Her relationship

Theresa’s dad died sudently when she was four years old that left a void in her life, she would not wished that to happen to her children. She wanted them to have everything her and her siblings didn’t have, the father of her children were important to her and she supported him. She was a catalist, she believed in changing the family tree.
Whom ever that gave Mat the adviced to put the restraining order on her, God will deal with the person or the persons and she felt sorry for them. They got married September 11, he took her to court for the restraining order November 11

She knew getting involve with a married man was wrong and a mistake but he was in the process of a divorced with two young children whom he adored. He would took care of them as a mom and dad, he claimed that she left him and he was heartbroken over the whole situation. Everyone in the department felt sorry for him since he loved her so much. He needed our pity and she wanted to help him. All she saw was a father that loved his children and he was in pain. He wanted the best for them, he claimed that their mother was too young to took care of them. She also knew that he wasn’t the type that can stay without a relationship, he would be lost and insecure by himself. He needed a mama for himself and his children, men and women felt sorry for him, he knew how to lied about what really happened. He was a master at lying and not telling the whole truth.